So I managed to drop off the face of WordPress for several months since my last post. I never did get around to posting a debriefing, and I’m not even sure if I could remember the specifics of that meeting at this point, but suffice it to say, the fight continues. In the interim, Mrs S and I have met with our counselor a few more times, with fair-to-middlin’ progress. For the most part, we have still settled into the familiar rut of feeling much like roommates who are very kind to one another (on the whole). We have good weekends here and there and long hum-drum weeks where I wonder whether it’s really worth the struggle or not.
I’ve started to come to grips with the nature and long-standing extent of my addiction(s) and some of the underlying tangle of issues that have preceded and succeeded them. It feels like a scattered effort at times. While I have not acted out with anyone since before the affair(s) were discovered, I’ve still been plagued by bouts of confusion, irritability, lusting fantasies, and rare instances of PMO. Since our last session with the counselor, I have tried to cut out all MO (let alone PMO). It’s been torturous at times, especially last week – the thoughts and lack of concentration PARALYZED me at work. The Mrs and I finally connected intimately a couple of times over the weekend which brought much needed relief.
I still find it hard to share any kind of deep emotion or be vulnerable with her, which leads to my hesitance to initiate lovemaking with her (which is in turn read as “low desire” or “no desire” or “he must be fooling around”). It’s almost like a lose-lose situation. I find it hard to put my feelings into words with anybody, really, or even to *feel* sometimes. I’m starting to wonder or guess that such difficulty goes hand in hand with my desires/addiction. Being “vulnerable” with others would always lead to being hurt, teased, mocked, called horrendous things, bullied, beaten. No, it was better to not feel those things and find enjoyment in other places – things I could control, like PMO. I could go on and on about where that led, but then this wouldn’t be much of a “brief” update.
I’m just trying to pick a strand on the knot, and see how far it will untangle. Maybe if I don’t promise or hint about another update or follow-up post, it might actually happen 😉