I’ve been trying to break-down what it is that appeals to me about dressing, and causes me to spend so much time daydreaming about it (regardless of how many times I tell myself I need to focus on more productive things). I’ve tried thinking back to my memories of early childhood – things I haven’t really spent much thought on ever. Two counselors have asked if I was abused as a child. The first (which was my first and last visit to that particular one) said straight-up a few minutes in “so who molested you? I’ve never seen a man with your condition that wasn’t molested as a child.”
Sadly, there was no such incident (unless it’s buried somewhere WAAAAY deep). I say “sadly” because part of me wishes I could just point to some trauma and say “yep, that’s what did it!” But I can’t. The fascination with women’s clothing, sexually submissive desires, same-sex attraction (at least in a purely physical/sexual context), and other things I may go into at some point down the road.
It’s all a tangled knot – a rush of desires, emotions, fantasies, feeling, wants, etc. So I tried to focus on one thing at a time. I decided to ask myself a question: “What’s the one thing I feel most strongly about the experience of dressing that makes me not want to let go?” After consideration, my one-word answer will probably come as no surprise to others who have been in the same spot. The single-most thing I felt? “Beautiful.”
There’s a part of me that has a desire to feel “beautiful”. Not handsome, rugged, or debonaire – but, beautiful. Even saying the word aloud makes my heart skip a little.
So what do I do with this? For now, it just helps that I can put it into words. It’s one piece of the puzzle, identified. Reading a post from a fellow struggler about “The Importance of Affirmations” showed me the value of being able to put things into words as you work through your issues. As I try to build my list of affirmations to deal with what’s going on in my heart and mind, it’s one more piece to steer by – one more marker to help me navigate the whole tangled mess.
comfortinparadox 